Scarborough, Dec ‘17
mornings in bedrooms that aren’t mine, no bedroom has been mine since july.
behind the scenes, katie performing for me at new contemps, jan ‘18
making bread snakes, counting the seeds from a custard apple, jan ‘18
Anonymous asked: ohhh I miss you too! I wish I could explain how much your tumblr posts have meant to me. They really got me into journaling, which is partly the reason why I am graduating my illustration course this year. reading your stuff always made me feel like you couldn't appreciate yourself in the way that others on this website could but I just wanted to let you know that your such a precious and talented human being and I only want good things for you!!!
arghhh this is killing ME!!! i miss this site, it was so supportive and friendly, i really value everybody i’ve met via here//not met but feel like i’ve met! i find posting on insta so inhuman and almost cocky>? i dunno, i never feel like i come across right on it, it’s hard to post what i actually want to/and talk about things i want to/and really share my life because it has such a wide audience. people from work/people from uni/people from school etc all mingling. and when you’re someone who’s both shy and really not it’s hard to be both, it’s hard to actually get a voice//personality. i kinda hate instagram and the way it works as being a person with a set “”style”” or “”aesthetic”” because i’m such a mess of loads of different styles/interests. this site was like a secret club where you could be anything//do such a variety of things and it feels magic to get a message like this to know i’ve impacted someones life- when so many people here have done the same to me!! i was really not well when i got a tumblr years and years ago and it helped me grow and learn and get a lot lot better!! this message is so sweet i’m dead.
dear diary
today i went to uni on a sunday, the above images act as documentation of the time spent in university toilets at times where i am completely alone in the entire 2nd/3rd year studios. i’m terrified of graduating, everyone is coming up with plans. the other day i cried because i didn’t feel brave enough to cut up a large piece of wood. i acknowledge my patheticness. life is really bad but also kind of okay. i am so used to running away from my emotions now. i went to the cinema alone the other day and then cried at midnight on the riverfront. this was okay because the memory of that was erased the night this week that tori and i spent trying to break into boats at 2am, crawling underneath the metal barriers of a building site and sitting on the diggers. i went home home last week and it felt like christmas, but it wasn’t. it was cold and there were two dead rams in the ditch. it’s rare the rams die. we all went to the woods, it felt odd to share it. a recent note in my journal of something to make is ‘shelter with sausage string’, another says ‘black sheet floor/white figure alone’ you can imagine what these might be. i stole a fruit sticker from the university canteen to stick on my own unstickered fruit that i bought in sainsburys. sainsburys ‘taste the difference’ oranges have more pips than regular. fact. i keep buying food i don’t really enjoy because i think it’s what you should be buying.. i.e oranges.. in winter. i will still be ill. the only food stuff i have enjoyed recently is rice pudding. i like its blandness, stretching a single can out to three meals. it reminds me of a time when i would make flavourless broths to eat whilst watching tudor period dramas. i have got really into the youtube upload of medieval party music. it makes me feel semi alive when writing my brain sapping dissertation. i climbed a fire escape of an old police station. i ran through waterloo station and hit a business man with the flight of my coat. i am desperately creating situations to give me some sense of excitement, an idea, to turn into an obsession, at a time where i actually feel incredibly
numb.
happy halloween, happy only day of the year i can wear a suit to uni to play it off as a ~~costume~~~
I have grown used to the sounds that should send me to sleep.
In a Polish airport where vodka only costs 20p more than the water I bought.